Monday, November 5, 2007

who am i in this sunset? who is this girl/woman/child watching the train pass on this busy flagstaff road? who is this that is thinking about the freedom of riding that train across the land? who is this that dreams and then thinks there is no sense in dreaming? the pessimist and the optimist all in one little package. love is here.

whoa. ok. so have asked more than a time or two lately, "um, 'scuse me...what am i DOING here again?" and remembering the questions in my new song..."who am i if i just sit and breathe? and "who am i if noone needs me?" huh. it's like an experiment. people seem a little uncomfortable when i don't have a definite answer to their question "where to next?" " what now?" i say, dunno and they look at me like, oh, poor dear. and that just inspires more in the questioning, wandering, wondering. i suppose it makes sense that the new song requires new experiences and that may not always be so comfortable or predictable. do people really know what direction to go, or are they just faking it? they don't seem any happier. maybe we are just happy or not. comfortable or not. loving or not. sometimes all, sometimes none. this is only my moment.

ok, so the where-i've-been. i started out saying "i'm going here, i'm getting this westfalia, blah blah, and it's not what happens and since i am not forcing these things, i thought, better to write in the already-did-it-tense.

After the 10 days trip with the French Family, i got to stay for a bunch of days at the Refugio House, and what a refuge it is!! finished a couple of songs. happy happy. do i really leave? Fred and i went to Jalama on his motorcycle....Giddy UP and Yippee! so beautiful. big ocean yum.

left LA on the 30th. stopped at Sati and Jesse's. they got a new doggy named Boddhi, who, with your prayers, wishes, visioning is getting stronger every day, eating plenty, and wagging his tail tons on long walks ! thanks! i also met a mama puppy, a teenage mom at that, with her 8week? old babies. i fell in love. shit. and again, with your prayers, she and all her babies are in yummy homes, feeling much love and playing with their people, and getting good food and exercise and love love love (especially Mom!) then i made it to a spot just outside of Prescott, turned off a dirt road, walked to the coolio railroad overpass, one of those pretty wood ones. thought, could i stay here? uh, no. movin' on. next turn off, it was last light of dusk now, so pulled over on the national forest service road and promptly fell asleep with my head under the open sunroof and stars aplenty overhead. then had a gnarly dream and awoke feeling like i had to get out of there. freaky. and it was only 8:30 p.m. (i fell asleep at 6:30!) so with a friend's guidance, made it to a safe spot in the woods outside Prescott. in the a.m. Dan pulled up with his dogs and after his hike, invited me to hike with him if i stayed in town. cute town, but just got some supplies and headed to Mingus Mountain. the lady at the forest service said she didn't THinK that it was hunting season there, but be careful just the same. i was so excited driving up the mountain (around 7,800 feet).

sweet drive, the campground was closed but there's open camping up there (no i didn't stay at the methodists' camp but i sure love that sign). beautiful lookout at the end of the road. sweet! just in time to make camp along the road where others had left campfire pits, and broken bottles, and cigarette butts. i cleaned up, set up my tent in a sweet spot under Tree to watch sunset. sweet. gathered wood. made a great dinner- thanks Paolina, those campfood things you just add water to are GREAT!! soon as dark fell, i made a fire. i was amazed how beautifully it started. i AM capable of making a great fire with the right supplies (dry leaves and pine needles, little twigs, medium branches, bigger branches, big chunkers! it went for a while and i sang songs for Dia de Los Muertos and took out my pretty pics of Cassidy and Mingus and some doggy treats (like they do for Day of the Dead in Mexico) and sat with the loneliness of not having them with me, and felt joy in feeling like they ARE with me, and not restricted by old, achy legs. um, then i started thinking about all the scary movies and stories anyone has mentioned. the worst are those billboards in LA that have huge pictures for Saw movies and The Hill Have Eyes. don't need to see them, or Blair Witch Project, or Deliverance, to have a my imagination run freak out. so, i didn't stay in the tent. i threw my blankets in Dora and tried to sleep. but still wondered what hunter freaks might be hiding in the woods. Jean Paul was so sweet, sending Big Guy energy out to the woods for me. i sorta slept for a little bit then BAM- a huge light flashed into the car and i woke up totally frozen. it just stayed there, me frozen, adrenals thumping, trying to breathe without moving. it never moved or made a sound, then i ever so slowly turned, barely peaking out the back to see...the Moon. it had just come over the crest of the mountain and was shining full blown into the window. i could almost laugh, but not REALLY laugh until the next day when i made it to my gorgeous Birthday Sunrise looking down at the Verde Valley

with my tea and birthday cake (bought a piece just for this special occasion!) then moved my tent and met a very nice tarantula, she seemed interested in what i was doing there, then wandered away (did you know they don't actually bite, they shed hairs off their bellies and fling them with their feet, this creating very uncomfortable experience for anyone bothering one, but not lethal...comforting, yes?) i thought the slight change of venue, which made me more invisible from the main street, and next to a fence would make me feel better for that night's sleep, but the gunshots ringing throughout the day had my heart racing, and my fight or flight instincts on edge. ah...relief, pack it up and go to the state park down in cottonwood. my birthday present to self- two whole nights in the campground with hot showers, open desert, big, dark night skies, and sunrising hiking. lovely. hiked off-trail down to a little canyon thing with a dry riverbed on the bottom. very cool and dry and hot and delicious and red. good place to bleed in moontime. i lost my camera, freaked for a minute cause i thought there was no way to find it---couldn't remember which way i came down since it wasn't a path. then i heard Debi...change it! :) stillness. up the hill, no not quite it, turned left, nothing looked familiar. oh my god, there it is. i laughed and cried with gratitude. not for the camera so much, it's just a thing. it was, you know, all the rest.

back at my tent saw Miss Black Widow hanging upside down under my picnic table with her pretty red tattooed belly (did you know only the males wander- and they aren't poisonous. and the ladies only bite if startled or threatened. and you may not even feel it, just later you get sick to your stomach and muscle pains and stuff, but there's anti-venom, or you can take herbs to help the symptoms. but there have only been a very very few deaths by them, it's just mostly uncomfortable- only if you are a baby or really sick is it dangerous). then the quail came with their sweet song and dance, and two walking sticks made an appearance just before i left!

met Matthew at Arcosanti, cool bells, and a visit to the Buddhist Retreat Center in Chino Valley. awesome. quiet. God, time with a friend i hadn't seen in years...warm, warm heart. if you have yet to meet Matthew, he's an amazing counselor/therapist person, among other coolio things, and he sees the world through amazing eyes. i love getting to hear what he sees- you know those people?

then last night up here to flagstaff. and all day talking to people i love, Cousin Michelle, the Lovely Miss Therrien, Matteo. as i write all this, i am seeing that from the external it may not seem like so much for a week out. there doesn't seem to be such a measure for the internal terrain covered. Amy said to remember that as the light shines brighter, it will shine brighter on the dark places too. oh, goodie.

i continue to ask for clarity, for love, for surrender. for surrender. this is what is happening. i am here. this is it. every breath. Annabelle sent me an old writing i did a few years ago when i gave mouth to mouth to the motorcyclist that died. i was thinking to include it soon. the reminder just now was intense...every breath, every breath. this is enough. this is enough.

i. am. still. here.

also read an old email to a friend about a dream i had. "the butterflies turned into dolphins. the man came out of the water and said 'it's time to sing the people out of sad'."

a new song is on the horizon. at sunrise or sunset, i don't know. from which shores i cannot tell. if anyone will be sitting next to me when i sing it, i cannot be sure. but it is a song that must be sung. by me. i am here to sing this song...let me sing it well.

all my love and a huge open heart beating for you. kiki

Friday, October 19, 2007

WOW! just got back last night from the trip around the southwest. i'm in love...with LiFe! and with the Navajo country around Monument Valley. how fast can i get back there?? we'll see. it was all so beautiful, and painful at times to pass through so quickly. Jean-Paul took me on an amazing whirlwind tour that really gave me a taste of longing for more...the open expanse into...everywhere. but here i am again, barely able to write. sleepy. full day. got to sing with Amy Therrian tonight- she is such an angel, goddess, gorgeous woman, sister. the music we make, she makes, i make, is ecstacy. i record with Dvorah next friday and then...? to Navajo country? we'll see. there is DEFINITELY a song there, new, ready for me to learn. who AM i??

my laptop finally blew it, so no way to download my photos to share just yet. anyway, if i get out into the out i won't have much use anyway. hard sayin' not knowin'. it is just wild to follow this feeling...well, to get ready to follow this feeling. it's all laying out beautifully.

human interaction- tell the truth- it's never easy, except when it is! what is expectation? what is right to receive? when is it time to give. does anyone ever really give without expecting something in return. am i naive to take people at their word? life really is a gift.

i think i babble now. goodnight lovely.

me

Monday, October 8, 2007

wow. so much is reeling around right now. just went with Paolina to see "Into the Wild". could definitely relate to the desire to get outside the machine, outside the pain, outside the human creation, into the wild, into the beauty, into the sensation of being alive and part of nature. been challenged with ideas of how far "out there" we are going. we...yea, me, myself and i- you got it. anyway, this played with some of that. he really went for it though. i feel like i'm just playing the kids version of what chris did.

OK, so the goods. saturday night got to hear the Rishi sing. whoa. now that's real power. yup, he contained and expanded all of us inside of about a minute of opening his voice to sing. good stuff. had a delightful dinner with Paolina and Amy and Michelle and Sean. everyone's just so cool. Sean was wearing a cool Zi-on t-shirt (i eventually figured out that's what it said) and they said they'd just been on a little
southwest tour. i said i would like to
go, have wanted to for a while. Pia said she did a 5 day whirlwind trip. amy and i had both just passed it on our way to... so then today i got
invited, and accepted invitation to travel with 35 french tourist on a bus with John-Paul leading
and Maggie driving the bus to (drumroll) Zion, Bryce, Grand Canyon, Monument Valley, and back up to SF bay area. what a hoot. heck Yea i'm going!!

still not much up for writing these days...a bit lacklustre there. and can't get pics on just yet. soon. so may or may not write much from the road. love you loads!! kiki

Thursday, October 4, 2007

on becoming one with the west


saddened by the empty room, she stares at the gifts for one who would not come. she had not called for a lover, only one who is true.

as she closes the door behind, she breathes deeply, knowing she will not return. a soft smile quietly crawls out from her heart and settles onto her lips as she looks ahead at this autumn path, scattered with fallen leaves and colours that speak of the delicious darkness soon to come in the wake of these shortening days.

her new song is calling and she remembers. the birds and trees and rivers, the mountains and oceans, deserts and all Earth's creature friends sing with her as she walks on. her song grows and grows, reaching its TRUTH, until all that can be seen are the wings of a great, warm, glowing starlight of a once-was-a-girl fading into the setting sun.

peace

Sunday, September 23, 2007

ah...the scent of summer passed and fall awakened. bringing in the new season with snow in tahoe. Dora and i arrived yesterday to a little squal over Donner Summit- what a trip. went to Sierraville hotsprings last night for a celebration of the equinox...hot/cold, noisy/quiet, wet/dry all these lovely opposites seeking balance. went for a soak again this a.m. (camped out nearby the springs) chris and i went for a hike in the hills. cold, cloudy, birds everywhere. they were so beautiful and the sounds they make are wonderful. chris knows most of their names and knows who sings what song. that's cool.

in a funk with this internal shifting to meet the weather that is in front of me. sleepy and wishing for a warm place to play some music. breathing deep.

will be in truckee til oct 4th.

mystery...bring me into the fold.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Father, it has been 5 days since my last confession. wow, that feels like forever! So, the whole world has opened before my eyes. no earth shattering movement, just waking up every morning to watch with glee as the day, she unfolds before me. today, a beautiful woman named Tansy, shared some of the most heart-right wisdom, peace, inspiration with me. i don't remember much with my conscious mind, only YES! this is RIGHT, i am learning to listen. i am on my path. God made earth for us to play, to use these incredible senses we have and LOVE. it's enough to just love every day. what a practice this is being. can i love me without a "job"? can i love me writing new songs? can i love me feeling like a flop leading Kirtan tuesday night at the LoaTree Yurt? can i love me walking in the foggy morning mist of the mountain? can i love me forgetting to let go and trying to control other people? cause if i can love me for all that, i can love you too. funny...i already DO! i LOVE YOu. i am SOOO glad you are here to play with me. When shall we play? perhaps after i finish some of these 5 new songs that are flowing out. WHEEEEEee! two of them are kids songs....working on songs that are fun for kids that won't drive the folks bonkers when they have to listen 500 times to them. (i think i added that out of my old habit of feeling like i need to validate my existence..see i'm DOing something. still practicing)

i'm wondering about the bees. they are coming to me often. i am cradling them as they die. i wonder about their beauty and the amazing celebration for life and sunshine. they are so organized, for a greater purpose, and they are dying in huge numbers. and they are some of the greatest servants of the planet and we are stealing their gold and punishing them for our intrusion. hmmm....and it is all just so. part of the plan i suppose. or not.

did another ceremony for a squirrel who was hit yesterday. i just hate it when you tell it's a nursing mama. met Big Black Horse yesterday- what a freakin' character! he tried to eat the camera and fussed and fussed til i got him some greens. happy.

Fred and I saw two little deer last night on the road. so sweet and startled. we just waited for them to find a new way home. The magick on the mountain is strong. i came home to a fire in the woodstove that Bob had made so i'd be toasty. I feel so....loved. thanks y'all. hope you feel my love for you too.

kiKi

Saturday, September 15, 2007

So how much do i LoVe HeLeN?? she just showed up at the door at Amy's, she lives with Amy's Mom. anyway...there she was, making herself muy comfortable after we shared a little dinner. Very inspiring to keep playing, which i am having lots of time to do these days.

i am discovering the endless wonders of the ocean. Paolina told me that the lobster body i found was likely a lobster that crawled out of it. who knew??? lobsters make a whole new body...okay, so they just keep getting cooler and cooler in my book :)

and seaweed! holy smokes. i mean, REALLY! in one tiny square foot of sand i found 6 different types...flat and smooth, white, red, brown, green, bright green, little bubbles, and even this one that is sooo cool i think they made some fake plastic toy like it. why the hell do we make so many plastic things when nature has provided us an eternal playground?!!

ok, so, Questions...

what are those little seaweed bubbles filled with water? what do sea anemones eat and how long can they go without food (i was worried about those little critters that are stuck in the seabowls in the big rocks that fill with water and then just hang out when the tide goes out- i guess they've got good timing down and all with the tide). what are those itty bitty teensy weensy little critters that appear to be nothing more than two little whips flying around above said seabowl? when pelicans play follow the leader, is there a productive reason or is it just for fun? everybody up uP UP DOWN DOwn down and uP UP DOWN DOwn down hee, looks fun!

it was sweet to sleep outside last night, not quite as windy. the creatures were so sweet. i even saw a little foxy fox on my way up the mountain around midnight. she was pertty. and the wind sang me to sleep under the stars while they told me stories of far away lands where people are outside all the time and the animals and plants and trees and everybody is equal. sweet dreams.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

so i've been in Gaviota since sunday. WoW! i can hardly believe the paradise i've been invited to savor (thanks Amy H :). i've never been so drawn by the ocean so intensely before. and she is scary, wonderous, angry, portendful, delicious. she seduces me into her arms every time...heart beating fast, waves riding continuous, breaking little cliffs over me, noone around to "save" me should she decide she wants me for herself. but i go anyway. straight to the heart of what scares me, cause i have to. i sure would like to learn to surf (full of life metaphors). i am so in awe of the real surfers. now THAT is a religion i could get behind.

so yesterday i scampered down a slippery, scratchy-bush trail behind the train tracks, down to the near-empty beach to find a whole lobster, well, from the outside (someone enjoyed an innards snack) dead, and i was aMAZed to get to inspect the intricacy, the alien shapes, the dinosauric, wild form that some people just drop into a pot and let scream. this creature i only yesterday saw up close for the first time is SOOO extraordinary i could hardly believe something like that lives right here. all those flipper things and grabber things, and so many different materials and designs. have you ever looked underneath? every section has this almost see-through skin, it's not hard shell like the top. and the eyes, whoa, those buggy little things are totally see through when dead. and what on earth is going on on the thoracic part of the back? all those hard spiny things. and the TEETH!! wHAT???! i mean, those things seem like they could do some serious chomping! anyway, i highly recommend checking one out- and perhaps in pictures on line or something safe for them!

today i went on a lovely hike with Amy...rattlesnake something or other, though i didn't have the pleasure of seeing any of its namesake creatures. then to arroyo burro (henry's) for a much more mellow tread in the water. what a gentle beach. many memories rushed in of being here with Cassidy and Mingus...leash free!!!! in the late afternoon sun i finished Jane Goodall's book "Reason for Hope". hmmm...umm...we gotta get going folks. there IS hope if we are all willing to let the right thing start making a louder noise. i am soo grateful to all of you who are standing up and saying we MUST create a future for our KidS. ummm, we've really dumped a bit of shit on them, and we wonder why "they" seem so apathetic. geesus. what sort of future have we created for them. and here i sit in this beauty, the next step unfolding. all part of the journey.

ok, so i listen and then write. and think. and wonder. it's nice.

the train tracks are calling...still...big blue skies...big blue waters...big blue life... allowing the colours to change.

still loving you dearly,

kiKi

Moonday, September 10, 2007

what would happen if we all just stopped? sat still until we knew what exactly it was that we were doing, moving, moaning, loving toward. what if we didn't move until everything in our being said, Yes?

Reading Jane Goodall's "Reason for Hope". that woman knows how to sit still and listen. listen. listen.

Learning so much. It's soo beautiful here.

Do you KNOW how BleSSeD you are???

Me too.

I love YoU!

kiKi

Sunday, September 9, 2007

north or south? which way to go? it has been soo nice being right in the middle. the central coast is so lovely. it sure helps to wake up and all day long be offered scones, mango juice, popsicles, dinner, and a host of other things i don't need or eat (thanks Paul :) Paul is on the road too...he is a cool photographer/surfer dude (though his shoulder keeps him from riding these days). Rupert goes everywhere with him. Mike does incredible, high-end restoration on old woodie cars...so pretty. Phoebe goes with him everywhere. Fred just got an '81 VW Westfalia that i am coveting (but need to stop...soon i will have the explorer sold and will find my own Westie). Oh yea, and Chase is his faithful sidekick, even on the Honda Redwing sometimes :) Fred has a new lease on life...he decided to do it HiS way...the haPPy waY :) Starting to put together places to play in the areas around here :) wow, don't have to go far to feel like i'm traveling the whole world. just waking up every day grateful to be alive. it is a good feeling i was missing for a minute. but it all only lasts a minute, so i keep remembering, or being reminded by the friends i meet, and the ones i've loved long time, that it's time NOW. did i mention already.

Slept out under the stars last night on a beach near morro bay. the waves... God that's Good. woke at first light for a walk and breathing and beachcombing. found some really pretty sand dollars, only took the ones with the backs missing (noone needs those anymore). life continues to inspire the listening. today...i feel she is getting ready.

September 8, 2007

Left Apple Valley after a short sweet visit with Satatma and Jesse. GEEZ the desert IS hot and windy. wowZa. left muy late in the afternoon and took all back roads. not so easy to reach the ocean in a straight shot. ended up needing sleep somewhere about half way on 166 West. so i stopped and curled up in the back, under the big big, filled with stars sky. i don't have a clock, no cell phone, and just got wireless hooked up on this little lappietop that sometimes just shuts off cause it's old and tired. so i didn't know what time it was when i woke, still dark. i drove about half an hour more and then decided it must be about 3 am cause i was very groggy still. slept a couple more hours and felt muy awake to make it all the way to cayucos. i LoVE cayucos. i was here about 10 years ago after a 2 week journey in the southwest with a dear friend, whom i left in Flagstaff...i still wonder if i hadn't left.... ANYWAY- i'm here. i spent the entire day here, in stillness. beach. sound of waves crashing over and over and over and clearing and cleaning me out inside out inside out. began the pele phase of my moon time while sitting in the warm sand. yummm. and spent much of the day with Paul. he's a retired ocean photographer with a heart of gold and generosity exploding in every direction. scones, mango juice, a beach chair, inspiration to spend time in baja, and just a general swell fellow traveler.

so, was "SUPPOSE TO" go to Power to the Peaceful first thing this a.m. A wake and Drive up to SF and it just didn't happen. just couldn't move yet. so much motion on this planet. like everything is trying to catch up to something. but it's just my tail. and i've already got that, so what else. i am starting to sift down into a lower gear. wondering what i choose without "Suppose to" (that's what i gave up for Lammas Day!) that and "Should". so i decided there would be more power to me if i find my own peaceful today.

So a theme is unfolding....LISTENING. i am learning to listen better, and i have much to learn from the world about this. i am starting with listening to my body better. listening to the rythmns within that are flowing, gently, strongly. what happens if i LISTEN and FOLLOW? what happens when i replace a should with what IS? what happens when i listen to the story of the ocean? where will she lead me?

i read Alice Walker's book (thanks Paolina) in two days..."Now is the Time to Open Your Heart". nice book to begin the journey. Open My Heart NOW....and what unfolds with the opening? in the book she talked about how the aboriginals get a "Call" from nature and they drop everything in the moment and go...2 days, 4, 5, months, whatever, to go on their walkabout. which is to reconnect with the earth and listen to the song she has to sing them. alice said something about how they sing EVERYTHING so they never forget. they have nature's song in their heart...they know where they are by songs of the earth and landscape, not maps.

i hear a faint call. it is getting louder. i am ready to know a new song.

love, KiKi

tHe adVENtuRe BEgiNs...

Monday, September 3, 2007
Blog is created by crazy friend Paolina!

Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Dora the Explorer goes in for a muffler fixup and gets loaded up for the road!

Wednesday, September 5, 2007
sing it with me now: "on the road again..."

the magical, musical kirsten!