Monday, November 5, 2007

who am i in this sunset? who is this girl/woman/child watching the train pass on this busy flagstaff road? who is this that is thinking about the freedom of riding that train across the land? who is this that dreams and then thinks there is no sense in dreaming? the pessimist and the optimist all in one little package. love is here.

whoa. ok. so have asked more than a time or two lately, "um, 'scuse me...what am i DOING here again?" and remembering the questions in my new song..."who am i if i just sit and breathe? and "who am i if noone needs me?" huh. it's like an experiment. people seem a little uncomfortable when i don't have a definite answer to their question "where to next?" " what now?" i say, dunno and they look at me like, oh, poor dear. and that just inspires more in the questioning, wandering, wondering. i suppose it makes sense that the new song requires new experiences and that may not always be so comfortable or predictable. do people really know what direction to go, or are they just faking it? they don't seem any happier. maybe we are just happy or not. comfortable or not. loving or not. sometimes all, sometimes none. this is only my moment.

ok, so the where-i've-been. i started out saying "i'm going here, i'm getting this westfalia, blah blah, and it's not what happens and since i am not forcing these things, i thought, better to write in the already-did-it-tense.

After the 10 days trip with the French Family, i got to stay for a bunch of days at the Refugio House, and what a refuge it is!! finished a couple of songs. happy happy. do i really leave? Fred and i went to Jalama on his motorcycle....Giddy UP and Yippee! so beautiful. big ocean yum.

left LA on the 30th. stopped at Sati and Jesse's. they got a new doggy named Boddhi, who, with your prayers, wishes, visioning is getting stronger every day, eating plenty, and wagging his tail tons on long walks ! thanks! i also met a mama puppy, a teenage mom at that, with her 8week? old babies. i fell in love. shit. and again, with your prayers, she and all her babies are in yummy homes, feeling much love and playing with their people, and getting good food and exercise and love love love (especially Mom!) then i made it to a spot just outside of Prescott, turned off a dirt road, walked to the coolio railroad overpass, one of those pretty wood ones. thought, could i stay here? uh, no. movin' on. next turn off, it was last light of dusk now, so pulled over on the national forest service road and promptly fell asleep with my head under the open sunroof and stars aplenty overhead. then had a gnarly dream and awoke feeling like i had to get out of there. freaky. and it was only 8:30 p.m. (i fell asleep at 6:30!) so with a friend's guidance, made it to a safe spot in the woods outside Prescott. in the a.m. Dan pulled up with his dogs and after his hike, invited me to hike with him if i stayed in town. cute town, but just got some supplies and headed to Mingus Mountain. the lady at the forest service said she didn't THinK that it was hunting season there, but be careful just the same. i was so excited driving up the mountain (around 7,800 feet).

sweet drive, the campground was closed but there's open camping up there (no i didn't stay at the methodists' camp but i sure love that sign). beautiful lookout at the end of the road. sweet! just in time to make camp along the road where others had left campfire pits, and broken bottles, and cigarette butts. i cleaned up, set up my tent in a sweet spot under Tree to watch sunset. sweet. gathered wood. made a great dinner- thanks Paolina, those campfood things you just add water to are GREAT!! soon as dark fell, i made a fire. i was amazed how beautifully it started. i AM capable of making a great fire with the right supplies (dry leaves and pine needles, little twigs, medium branches, bigger branches, big chunkers! it went for a while and i sang songs for Dia de Los Muertos and took out my pretty pics of Cassidy and Mingus and some doggy treats (like they do for Day of the Dead in Mexico) and sat with the loneliness of not having them with me, and felt joy in feeling like they ARE with me, and not restricted by old, achy legs. um, then i started thinking about all the scary movies and stories anyone has mentioned. the worst are those billboards in LA that have huge pictures for Saw movies and The Hill Have Eyes. don't need to see them, or Blair Witch Project, or Deliverance, to have a my imagination run freak out. so, i didn't stay in the tent. i threw my blankets in Dora and tried to sleep. but still wondered what hunter freaks might be hiding in the woods. Jean Paul was so sweet, sending Big Guy energy out to the woods for me. i sorta slept for a little bit then BAM- a huge light flashed into the car and i woke up totally frozen. it just stayed there, me frozen, adrenals thumping, trying to breathe without moving. it never moved or made a sound, then i ever so slowly turned, barely peaking out the back to see...the Moon. it had just come over the crest of the mountain and was shining full blown into the window. i could almost laugh, but not REALLY laugh until the next day when i made it to my gorgeous Birthday Sunrise looking down at the Verde Valley

with my tea and birthday cake (bought a piece just for this special occasion!) then moved my tent and met a very nice tarantula, she seemed interested in what i was doing there, then wandered away (did you know they don't actually bite, they shed hairs off their bellies and fling them with their feet, this creating very uncomfortable experience for anyone bothering one, but not lethal...comforting, yes?) i thought the slight change of venue, which made me more invisible from the main street, and next to a fence would make me feel better for that night's sleep, but the gunshots ringing throughout the day had my heart racing, and my fight or flight instincts on edge. ah...relief, pack it up and go to the state park down in cottonwood. my birthday present to self- two whole nights in the campground with hot showers, open desert, big, dark night skies, and sunrising hiking. lovely. hiked off-trail down to a little canyon thing with a dry riverbed on the bottom. very cool and dry and hot and delicious and red. good place to bleed in moontime. i lost my camera, freaked for a minute cause i thought there was no way to find it---couldn't remember which way i came down since it wasn't a path. then i heard Debi...change it! :) stillness. up the hill, no not quite it, turned left, nothing looked familiar. oh my god, there it is. i laughed and cried with gratitude. not for the camera so much, it's just a thing. it was, you know, all the rest.

back at my tent saw Miss Black Widow hanging upside down under my picnic table with her pretty red tattooed belly (did you know only the males wander- and they aren't poisonous. and the ladies only bite if startled or threatened. and you may not even feel it, just later you get sick to your stomach and muscle pains and stuff, but there's anti-venom, or you can take herbs to help the symptoms. but there have only been a very very few deaths by them, it's just mostly uncomfortable- only if you are a baby or really sick is it dangerous). then the quail came with their sweet song and dance, and two walking sticks made an appearance just before i left!

met Matthew at Arcosanti, cool bells, and a visit to the Buddhist Retreat Center in Chino Valley. awesome. quiet. God, time with a friend i hadn't seen in years...warm, warm heart. if you have yet to meet Matthew, he's an amazing counselor/therapist person, among other coolio things, and he sees the world through amazing eyes. i love getting to hear what he sees- you know those people?

then last night up here to flagstaff. and all day talking to people i love, Cousin Michelle, the Lovely Miss Therrien, Matteo. as i write all this, i am seeing that from the external it may not seem like so much for a week out. there doesn't seem to be such a measure for the internal terrain covered. Amy said to remember that as the light shines brighter, it will shine brighter on the dark places too. oh, goodie.

i continue to ask for clarity, for love, for surrender. for surrender. this is what is happening. i am here. this is it. every breath. Annabelle sent me an old writing i did a few years ago when i gave mouth to mouth to the motorcyclist that died. i was thinking to include it soon. the reminder just now was intense...every breath, every breath. this is enough. this is enough.

i. am. still. here.

also read an old email to a friend about a dream i had. "the butterflies turned into dolphins. the man came out of the water and said 'it's time to sing the people out of sad'."

a new song is on the horizon. at sunrise or sunset, i don't know. from which shores i cannot tell. if anyone will be sitting next to me when i sing it, i cannot be sure. but it is a song that must be sung. by me. i am here to sing this song...let me sing it well.

all my love and a huge open heart beating for you. kiki